I have come across 2 different websites which I have fallen in love with. The first being The Shape of a Mother and the second is This is a Woman. I go through and read all the stories of different women and their self image issues and how they have conquered them or are trying to overcome them. Makes me think of myself and my own issues I have with my own body image.

I like to think I am perfectly fine being at the weight I am and on the outside it does look like I am totally comfortable in my own skin. When I am around my friends I find myself telling them how I don't care what I look like anymore. Which on the one hand is true and on the other hand it's my own little lie, trying to make myself feel better and to convince myself that I am fine.

I am tired of worrying over how big I am and how I look. I am tired of wondering what people think of me. When I am shopping for clothes, I am tired of feeling so self conscious and worrying about how this shirt will look on me and if I can even find it in my size. All this worry is exhausting and makes me want to just stay inside my house.

When I am pregnant, I love my body. I love how I look and feel. I am so confident in myself and comfortable in my own skin. So for 9 months I don't worry anymore, I go into a store confidently looking for my size and I usually find it because during pregnancy I loose weight. With my first I lost about 30 pounds and my second I lost almost 45 pounds. Postpartum hits and my confidence high has ended, I gain all that weight back and then some I am right back to where I started pre-pregnancy. I want to be that confident everyday, not just during pregnancies.

Then I read blogs like this one and this one and I am jealous at how easy it all sounds to just accept what I look like and who I am. I am so worried that I am going to pass down my body issues to my daughter. To quote a blog I read once "I shall attempt to not pass down my own messed up body issues to my daughter. She deserves a mother who loves and respects herself; stretch marks, cellulite and all." She needs a mom to show her to be confident in herself and her body.

I don't know a lot of things, but one of the things I do know is, I am going to try to accept me for who I am and what I look like. I am going to tell myself I am a beautiful, smart, kind, gentle and a loving person and mother and hopefully, just maybe, one of these days I will love my body. I will love how I look and feel and when I walk into a department store, I shall go in confidently. I will remind myself that I was made in Gods perfect image and He wants me to be happy and confident in who I am. So I am going to try to accept my body for myself, my daughter and for God. This is only just the beginning.

Orgasmic Birth Book Review

I have started to read Orgasmic Birth written by Elizabeth Davis and Debra Pascali-Bonaro. I have heard great things about this book by different bloggers and book reviews, so when I was at chapters looking at the childbirth and parenting section, this book caught my eye almost instantly.

So far I am half-way through and love love love this book. I thought about writing a book review for it, but then I found this blog. She wrote a review on the book and I simply cannot say it any better than she already has. I encourage you to read her review of Orgasmic Birth.

Decisions, Decisions

I am wanting to take a childbirth educators course, but I had no idea there are so many different places I can certify through. I would love to become a certified Bradley Method instructor, only problem you have to attend a workshop. Normally that would not be a problem at all, but all the workshops are in the United States. I do not have the time nor the money to go to California or Washington, even if it would be an amazing experience. They also strongly recommend your husband attend the workshops with you. Unfortunately my husband's work would not allow for that much time away and the times that he is allowed to take vacation there are no courses being offered, go figure.

So, here I am researching all the other courses that I can take. Its a difficult decision because there are so many great places out there. I need to figure out what company fits my philosophy of birth and what company do I feel can offer me the best education. After tonnes of research and many hours soul searching, I have decided on my top three possibilities.


1. Birthing From Within
2. Internation Birth and Wellness Project (Also known as Association of Labor Assistants and Childbirth Educators.)
3. Aviva Institute

I am unsure which course I am going to take, luckily there is no reason for me to make a split-second decision. I am going to take time to think and reflect on my options. I know I am going to make the best decision for me, my family and my future students.

Dealing with Oversupply

In My Breastfeeding Journey post, I briefly mentioned oversupply. I said; Its so hard to see other people breastfeed and complain about little things like sore nipples or over producing. I NEED to edit that statement. Having oversupply, really isn't a small issue.

For someone like myself having oversupply looks like a blessing, something no one should be complaining about. At least your able to feed your baby right? For someone who has oversupply it could be just as much of a struggle as someone who has low supply.

I do not know enough about oversupply to try and educate you, however I wanted to publish a few links for people who are struggling with oversupply to go and check out. I believe education is so important, please don't give up when times get rough. If you educate yourself and find help you can succeed. Breastfeeding will and does get easier. So please take the time to find help, because later down the road you will look back and feel so proud of all you accomplished. Not to mention the benefits to baby if you persevere.

Here are the links I promised, I am sure there are so many more out there. These are just a few to get you started. Enjoy!

http://www.llli.org/faq/oversupply.html
http://www.kellymom.com/bf/supply/fast-letdown.html
http://www.drjacknewman.com/breastfeeding-help.asp

My Breastfeeding Journey

I have not had the best luck with breastfeeding. My first baby, I was ignorant. She was in the NICU for 4 days and I didn't pump or try to breastfeed her often enough. I was overwhelmed with the amount of information available, so I decided not to educate myself at all. I figured it was the most natural thing in the world, so I would have no issues. So, when I failed at nursing her and turned to formula and bottle feeding I felt awful. I believe that was one of the many reasons I had Postpartum Depression after her birth.

When I became pregnant a second time, I read everything I could get my hands on. I followed blogs about breastfeeding. I spoke with my midwife about my fears and wants about it and I started to attend La Leche League meetings when I was 7 months pregnant. I thought I had it made. My son's birth was wonderful, born at home in our bath tub, it was a normal vaginal birth. He latched on about 45 minutes after he was born and it looked like this (breastfeeding) was actually going to happen for us. I couldn't be happier.

By day 5 he was constantly fussing and on the breast 24/7. I knew something was wrong, I could just feel it in my gut. He hadn't been weighed again since birth, so I had no clue if he was gaining or not. I was on the phone crying to my mom and she suggested a few things to try, like different positions. She also sent me a few links to different sites to help me out. Then I called my midwife looking for help. She told me to start pumping to try and increase my supply. She also suggested taking Fenugreek. I started pumping constantly. While he was nursing I would pump the other breast, when he wasn't nursing I was pumping. I would take a bath and bring the hand pump with me. I would wake up with my son and pump a few times a night. I was exhausted and so stressed out because I never saw any change, but I was determined to make it happen.

A week later things were not getting better. He was screaming because he was so hungry. He had lost almost two pounds. It broke my heart. So we got out the formula the company sent us and gave him something to eat. At first, I had my husband use a little tear dropper and drop formula onto my breast close to his mouth. That way he was still on the breast but getting something more. Then our midwife suggested using a Supplemental Nursing System (SNS).

Seeing my son nurse happily on the breast with an SNS made me cry. I cried to the point of hyperventilating. This was not the way it was supposed to happen. I studied and tried so hard to get it right this time around. I hated to see the formula empty the bottle and go into my baby boys tummy. It was heart wrenching to watch and made me feel like a failure as a mother. There was nothing anyone could do to cheer me up. I was slowly swirling into a pit of depression.

I started to join different groups and pages on Facebook. I was looking for support from other like minded people. First I joined a page called Peaceful Parenting. One day they did a shout out to groups, one group was called Informed Choice: Birth and Beyond, now called Informed Choice: Birth and Beyond/HM4HB. There I met a great group of women who tried to help me out, giving me tips. They really cheered me up and gave me hope. There was one woman who I met, she had the same issues as I have. She finally got her supply up and was able to get rid of the SNS. Her story gave me so much hope. It renowned my strength and helped to keep me going.

A few weeks later, we were still using the SNS. Nothing had changed, with all my hard work, nothing had changed. Our midwife suggested getting donor milk from another mom. At first I thought that was so gross. I thought, what about diseases and bacteria. So, I nodded and smiled and said we would think about it. Really though, I had no interest. Formula was good enough for my daughter, it will be fine for my son too. Especially since it will only be a temporary thing.

I pushed the thought of donor milk to the back of my mind and didn't think about it again. Until the creator of the group Informed Choice:Birth and Beyond started to talk about human milk for human babies. She started a group for moms to connect and give and receive donor milk. I was so surprised and intrigued. I looked into it and was slammed with all this information. She was so inspiring to me, her belief's that every baby deserves human milk were so strong, that I felt I needed to learn more.

By this time, my son was about 2 months old. He had been using the SNS for the last month and a half. We knew that this was going to be for the long run now. So I did the research on the benefits and dangers of receiving donor milk. We weighed the risks between formula and breastmilk and did a ton of research. My husband and I finally made the desicion to ask for milk donations from the group Eats on Feets, now known as Human Milk for Human Babies.

My first request was met with many offers. I can't remember the exact amount of women willing to donate their milk to my son, but there had to have been at least 7-10 offers. We went and contacted each one and thus started our journey into receiving donated milk.

I can't help but ask why though. Why can my body carry and birth two perfect little humans, but I can't feed my children the way nature intended? Why is it that I put so much work into breastfeeding and not be able to breastfeed? Its so hard to see other people breastfeed and complain about little things like sore nipples or over producing. There is nothing I wouldn't give to be able to over produce even just a little. I will sometimes break down and cry because of all the whys.

I have a hard time talking about my breastfeeding journey. I went to a La Leche League meeting a few months ago, and when they brought up problems some people have had with breastfeeding, I broke down and bawled. I cried to the point of hiccups, it was so uncontrollable.

I know with time, I will be able to open up more about it. Each day, I try to remind myself of the positives. Try to remind myself of what I have to show for all my struggles, is a happy and healthy little boy. I still produce a small amount and I still pump as much as I can and I am proud of the fact that my son is 7 months old and we are still nursing with an SNS. We use donated breast milk from generous moms and will keep using it until he no longer needs it. My son is so healthy because of these moms.

I am so thankful for the founder and creator of Human Milk for Human Babies. Without her drive to get every baby the human milk they deserve, my son would still be on formula. She is an inspiration to me and many others. I am also so thankful for my husband. He put up with me during this roller coaster ride of emotions. He helped me learn to place the tube in our son's mouth and he supported me in all my crazy decisions from home birthing to breastfeeding. He took care of all the house work and cooking during those first few months of craziness. Without him, I know my son would be on a bottle and my dreams of nursing would have been flushed down the toilet. He caught me when I was falling and held me through all my tears. I love him dearly.

That is my breastfeeding journey. Writing it out is my first step to accepting and healing from all that has happened.


(My son nursing with the SNS)

Chelsea

The Miracle of Life

After the birth of my son, I realized I wanted to make a bigger impact on the birthing community. I decided the best way for me to do that was by becoming a Doula.

I've always had a passion for pregnancy and childbirth, even in my youth. My favorite class in high school was Biology and my favorite part of the curriculum was when we studied sexual reproduction.

As a child, my mom took a workshop and studied to become a postpartum Doula. Her stories of birth and babies were inspiring to me. Although, later she decided that it took her away from home for too long, especially since my brother was only a toddler.

I too have the same reservations, as both my children are quite young. I am afraid they will need me and I will be elsewhere. I am afraid to leave them with other people to care for them when I am called upon. I am afraid that I will end up missing out on so much of their lives.

I can't wait for them to grow up though, because I too will grow up. If not now, when? When they are older and in different extra curricular activities? When they want to be driven to their friends house to play or to babysitting jobs? No. Now is the time for me to get my career going. Its now or never.

Back to the subject at hand. Why? Why did I decide I want to be a Doula? I have a few different reasons why. I feel its a calling, the reason I am here. Is to help, women and their partners during the most precious time of their lives, in whatever way I am needed. To smell and possibly hold newborns, their scent is one of my favorites. To assist the family in their new roles. To help with any breastfeeding problems and give the new parents resources in the community, that may come in handy at later dates. To take care of some household chores, so they can bond as a new family with minimal interruptions. Those first few weeks are so precious.

My number one reason for becoming a Doula, is to play a small role in a big beautiful miracle. The miracle of life.